getting real: tapping through
“I don’t know, it was just weird.”
“When you say weird, what does that mean?” I asked my wife, of course trying to talk feelings out like I always do, especially the “I don’t know” ones. She was sharing how she was feeling after learning her coworkers wife was pregnant.
“I don’t know. Like it’s easy for them.” (a slight verbal emphasis on “easy”)
I kind of hoped this is where she was going, it was indication we were on the same page. In that moment I felt less alone in my emotional state each time one of my friends or family members told me they were pregnant. How easy or how lucky, I’d think, along with a dash of genuine excitement for them (of course, easy is my projection and first reaction, the backstories of loss, pain or trauma of pregnancy is something I recognize and never discount). I’ve done the mental analyzing of these thoughts and how to cope. Is it jealousy? Maybe jealousy-lite, not the kind that turns into resentment, but a sharp fragment of jealousy that sits deep in my body and plunges me into the dark shadows of fear, loss of control and overwhelming logistics. Whatever this emotion is classified is, I am aware it is not helpful, and recognize it twists my excitement for having a child into a complete blockage.
The rest of this post, emotionally written after a not-so-great week and a potential change in our original “donor source” plan, was tossed aside. Instead of trudging down the road of logistics, sperm talk, costs, and slight disappointment, I’d rather flip things in a positive direction. Toxic positivity culture and pressured optimism can be problematic at times (I feel strongly that sadness, anger and frustration is a necessary emotion), however in our situation and blazing this unique path to create a life, optimism wins. In fact, a clear and joyful mind, no matter what this journey has in store for us, cultivates fertile emotional terrain for this pretty big thing to take place. In this situation, body and mind are linked.
To tell you all the truth, and running the risk of sounding woo, I have interactions with our child. No, not physical conversations or seeing this baby with my eyes, but rather a feeling of them*. Over the past five years, a powerful wise and childlike presence flows in and out; a sensation that is impossible to ignore or dismiss. They* usually pop through during moments when I am outside, completely calm and collected. Although I have a unique gift of communicating with babies through dream telepathy, our child prefers connecting when I am lucid and out of my own head. Maybe that’s why they haven’t been able to come in recently! The best way to describe it is a surprising feeling of being emotionally tapped on the shoulder, with a “hey I’m here” or “just waiting to come through”. The “waiting” feeling has now shifted into “I’m ready to come through, let’s do this.”.
Because I prefer proof and tangible signs to confirm my feelings and messaging in the spiritual realm, I receive those, too. A vintage illustration of a baby falling out of our ceiling when our house flooded, among all the heaps of wet rubble of sheet rock and insulation. A huge rainbow appearing in the dry California desert after a rough emotional time last week, after I just asked for a sign to subside my fears. There are so many other things I could share, all open territory to question whether I’m manifesting a connection out of normal experiences, but for me that “tapping in” feeling is paired with these moments, and grows clearer and stronger. Nothing comes close to the readings I have with my intuitive guide, Susan Hughes (who reads Tarot and Astrology at the Aquarian Bookshop) She is a true medium without a touch spiritual opportunism or elitism, in fact I refer to her as the insightful, calm and collected aunt I never had. She provided a great emotional relief and validity years ago when she casually proclaimed, with a bit of exhaustion in her voice, “Bethany, you’ve been feeling this baby’s presence for a long time, haven’t you?”. Until this point, I had never disclosed these feelings to anyone so I rightfully burst into tears when she said this, finally someone got me, and got them. Since that initial reading, Susan has helped me communicate and also navigate the when’s, how’s and why’s of this person in my life.
Out there as this all might sound, I share this intimate (and maybe even surprising) part of myself to give some background to this already strong connection and pull to the process to bring them through. It may provide context why I even want to willingly bring a child into this overpopulated and messed up world. They’re supposed to be here, I’m supposed to be their mom and Ashleigh is supposed to be their other mom. They’ve already made that decision loud and clear.
Ending this post on a note of truth and a timestamp, our intended plan to align with a known donor** looks different now. We’re heading in a new “we don’t know” territory. More of the we don’t know, but here we are! portion of our story (and I’m sure lots more of that to come). Without spinning out into details and emotions, I’ll launch from this point next time, for now I need to find space to feel my feelings. Leaving you all with a reminder that often cutting cords with expectations, outcomes and our interjections of control are often necessary for the tappings to make their way thorough.
* I will be using gender neutral pronouns of they/them
** Known Donor = using sperm from someone a couple/person personally knows instead of an unknown (or called anonymous) donor from a cryo/sperm bank. Often a known donor is a relative or a friend of the couple or person and all parties have consulted legal services to create a donor agreement to make sure they have a clear understanding of the arrangements.